Tomorrow We Eat SanGwiches

Last night, I tried to fulfill a longtime dream of mine and that is to be a Jeopardy contestant. I want to be the first person to ever win on Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy.  It's kind of like the Merv Griffin Daily Double.

A couple of years ago I tried out for the show and missed it by two questions. Pissed and determined, I have been trying ever since unfortunately with no success.  This year I decided to go in with no preparation to see if I could just wing it. WRONG! At PM I was sitting on my computer ready to type out answers to useless trivia questions with my awesome four finger typing style (who would have thought that the typing class I slept through in high school would actually be the only class that would be any use to me now. 

I know, I know, there are the book nerds out there among my sexy readers  who are screaming what about English and Math. Well if you are a reader of this site you see that english is definitely a second language when I write and hello Bill Gates invented spell check.  Math, addition subtraction multiplying stuff, shit you learn that in the fourth grade.  Long division doesn't count as math, that was created by the devil. Truth...you can look it up.

So I go to take this test and I breeze through the first 10 questions pretty easy, they have to do with politics and movies, I am good at those things.  But then they got to throw in the Goddamn opera question and the only answer I know is Luciano Pavarotti (R.I.P.), and that was definitely not the answer to this man wrote his only opera (I can't remember the name) in 1803.  Then there was the Ernest Hemingway question, there is always an Ernest Hemingway question. Problem was this time Ernest Hemingway was the answer and for the life of me I couldn't pull old Ernie out of my head.  Which then messed me up for two questions in a row. Then there were like two more book questions which I missed, one was a self help book question and if you know me you know that the best thing a self help book can do is help you wipe your ass if you run out of toilet paper.  Second question had to do with Jane Austin, not my favorite author in the world in fact she is not in my favorite 100 authors in the world and I really only know like seven.

Long and Short I think I did lousy, I only got to answer 42 out of 50 questions and for 2 of those answers I don't think my hairless white ass was the right answer.

Posted by nelson57 at 11:41 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

I wanted to start out the new year with a post.  First off, let me apologize to all my sexy readers for not giving you anything to read lately. But trust me I have been very busy and I promise all 10 of you that I will try not to be lax in my efforts.

So on Christmas Day I cooked that pork shoulder whose picture was in my last post. It was HUGE and it took almost 8 hours to cook. It fact it took so long and I was so tired of looking at it ALL DAY! We didn't eat it on Christmas and had leftovers instead. Nice...right?

So basically I have been eating it every meal since, giving some away to friends, feeding random guests who stop by Etc... Out of this one shoulder so far I have managed to make the following dishes: pork tacos, cuban sangwiches, Ramen soup with chopped pork and scallions, Rice with peppers and little chopped up pieces of that juicy delicious pork.

So I am down to the bone and with that I make a black bean soup. In said soup I put in a myriad of ingredients one of which is a spanish long pepper. So I am chopping up this pepper removing some of the vein and seeds so that the heat doesn't overpower the soup and I add it into the pot and the same time I have an overwhelming need to take a piss. So I put down the knife, go to the bathroom and take care of business.

About three minutes later I begin to feel a "burning sensation" on my wedding tackle.  And no, it is not "fire shooting out my dick" for all you Eddie Murphy fans out there.  This burning is starting to become really uncomfortable to the point where I am adjusting myself to try to find a position that doesn't hurt. And wouldn't you know it, it starts to burn hotter and in different places along my genitalia region/area/zip code.  

For the life of me I cannot figure out why my dick is burning really bad. Did I have sex with a Thai street hooker that I wasn't aware of.  Did I black out and spray Ben Gay on my nuts for shits and giggles?

After another five minutes of what can be described as pure agony I go to wash my hands and I realize that I have the pepper that I cut all over my hands.  GENIUS!!! I basically rubbed my meat and two veg with the scoville equivalent of a lit can of sterno.  So into a cold shower I go to remove this bane of my existence and I would like to inform of all of you that everything still works..in case you were wondering.

Posted by nelson57 at 02:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)