Cool..Clear...Water!!!
Tuesday night I come home to my apartment to find an ominous sign hanging on the the elevator door. "NO WATER, RISER IS BROKEN! EMERGENCY PLUMBER HAS BEEN CALLED!!!" Great, I thought to myself, no water. But hey I'm a new yorker, I will just cope and deal. As my sexy fellow new yorker readers can attest to, we have inconveniences every day, i.e. subway stuck in the tunnel for a half hour or your cable goes out for half a day causing you to miss last week's episode of Grey's Anatomy, where one doctor is trying to sleep with another doctor but there's another doctor who wants to sleep with the both of them and a vicious love triangle ensues, but who cares they all have great hair!
Anyways, I figure whats a night without water, I can get through it, it won't be that bad. Boy was I wrong. I have a certain ritual that goes on once I get home: first, I go to the bathroom, wash up and handle whatever business doesn't get handled throughout the day. Which usually means taking a dump, I don't /can't go at work cause it would involve waaaay too much prep work. You gotta build a nest of toilet paper and you have to make sure that no one is in the stall next to you. BTW this is an unspoken "guy rule" for all the sexy ladies out there who read my blog. Only in case of a dire emergency can you take a dump next to a guy in a stall, there has to be a one stall barrier between you and a fellow dumper and if there is only two stalls then you must wait for the other guy to finish before you go.
Well now I can't go, thank god there wasn't a pressing need so I don't feel that bad, but I still have to take a piss, now I realize that I only have one good flush for the rest of the night and have to decide right then and there what do I do. Do I take a piss and follow the "if its yellow let it mellow, if its brown, flush it down" rule of water conservation or piss in the tub and aim for the drain and clean up any spillage that may occur. If any of you are taken aback by this, stop right there, we have all pissed in the tub, whether it has been taking a shower or if you have morning wood and you know that if you try to piss in the toilet you are going to hit everything but, you piss on the wall the floor, the back of the toilet. Not a drop actually hits water. So the tub is a much bigger target and you are going to be in the shower shortly anyway so what the hell. There was also the brief though of opening the window and pissing out of it, hey it was misty that night anyway so why not add to the mist. I decided against it, it was cold and breezy and I didn't want to deal with the shrinkage issue. I went with the toilet, less clean up afterward.
Now that one potential disaster was averted, I began to realize that we really use water for alot of things, like washing things, I had a plate and pan left over from breakfast that morning that needed to be washed, or else there would be some unwanted guests in the form of unkillable NYC roaches paying a visit to my kitchen, but I had no water and I already used the toilet so my reserve of water was already tainted. So logically I broke out the cleaning products and used good old Formula 409 and a paper towel to clean up. I figure hey it's good for cleaning the kitchen so why not kitchen items.
So for the rest of the night, I couldn't shit, cook, clean or piss with an erection, Great!!!
