Tomorrow We Eat SanGwiches

Domino's pizza, the purveyor of cardboard pizzas have introduced a new dessert to their menu, it is an Oreo pizza. Now I like Oreo cookies and I love pizza, but for the love of Christ why do you need to put the two of them together.  Don't get me wrong Domino's used to do Brownie Squares as a dessert and I was forced to try one and it was actually good, but I wouldn't eat this if Jessica Alba was feeding it to me naked, her not me.

For those of you who TIVO or Bittorrent your programs so that you do not have to watch commercials, Click here and you will see what I am talking about.  Looking like you just ate out a bag of peat moss is not that appetizing to me.  I mean seriously that guy looks like he gave oral to a tar monster.  Sorry Domino's stick to brownies. If I want Ores I'll buy a bag and if I want pizza, I'll order from the 500 or so places that aren't Domino's. This is, after all New York; home to the greatest slices in the world.

BTW if Jessica Alba was naked and trying to feed me Oreo cookie pizza, I'd eat 10 of them, whole. I would even bother chewing. 

Posted by nelson57 at 01:09 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

When you are just starting in a relationship, you have to be very careful of the words you choose. We are sensitive people by nature, always concerned about our appearance and how we look to our partner.  There is a constant assurance that is necessary to know that we are OK.  Let me give a few examples for all my sexy female readers and the one guy reader I have. (yeah Tom...you). Girl to Guy, "oooh you're just the right size" Guy to Girl, "no, your ass is not big, its perfect".  Shit like that goes a long way in developing a good relationship.

I figured out that there is alot of things that you can say that will automatically turn a guy off to a girl.  Example, NEVER and I mean NEVER call a woman a cunt.  (only if you truly mean it and you never want to sleep with her again.)  Now I am one of those people whose mouth thinks just a hair faster than their brain and sometimes that gets me into trouble, hence why I know the consequences of adding cunt to your vernacular. 

Here is the another thing that will probably not get you laid in the near future, my female friend, lets call her Jamie is sitting down at a bar (surprise!) with a guy that she is seeing for a couple of months; who happens to be a doctor and he looks at her and says, "you know you could use some Botox to remove those lines around your eyes and those creases in your forehead". "I could do that for you."  TADA! That beats cunt by a country mile.  If anyone has ever had or has ever said anything worse to a person to whom you are either A. not married to or B. Family, and by family I mean close family not second or third cousins, they don't count.

I would like to add another thing to this, Jamie (again not necessarily her name) you do not need Botox, and your ass is not big, its perfect!

Posted by nelson57 at 01:00 AM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

If he wasn't such an asshole to his own people, I would say that Hugo Chavez is a "special" person, not "gifted" but I am talking short little yellow bus to school special.

Here are his last two declarations to his people:

1. Every newborn child in Venezuela should have a real name.  Hugo Chavez is sick and tired of seeing the young children of Venezuela named Runelvis, (which was on my short list of children's name) Could you imagine the fun you could have at a football game screaming "Runelvis! Run!" There is a child in Venezuela whose actual name is Superman, how awesome is that!

Thank God, there is a voice of reason within the government that forced Chavez to back off, instead, the government will now have a list of proposed names to give to parents when they register their child for a birth certificate. 

So now here is the kicker, Chavez now wants to get take over private schools in the country, saying that if they are in violation of the Bolivarian educational system Chavez's new socialist order, he will shut them down. The Bolivarian education is not based on the three R's, but rather it is based on four pillars: learn to create, learn to participate and coexist, learn to value, and learn to reflect. (BTW that is five that is where that  third R comes in handy Hugo.) I don't know about you but this really sounds like he wants to create a society of nonplussed pacifists to a communist regime. 

Here is an example of a typical day for a Venezuelan child in the new school curriculum:  How was school today little Jhonny (spelling mistake was on purpose, remember this is Venezuela and they give their kids fucked up names there.) Little Jhonny says school was great I learned that Hugo Chavez is our savior and what he says goes and that I am ok with that because I am not smart enough to choose things for myself. Congratulations Jhonny because of your crappy education you're screwed for life and you will have to do what the government tells you to do because you don't know any better.

Posted by nelson57 at 09:54 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

Keeping in form with my A______ of the week, I now turn to the profession that is known as an "advertisement specialist" or in layman's terms a publicist.  A publicist job is to spread information to gain awareness in a product, service, person Etc...  Publicist's jobs also include reading comprehension i.e. thinking that you know what another person is writing about the product, service or person for which you are trying to gain awareness for.

I, for one wonder how publicists get paid to do the things they do.  Cause their job seems to be reacting to what their client's do rather than promoting what their client does.  Lets take for example Britney Spears, is she had a publicist would they have allowed her to go onstage at the MTV VMA's looking like that and give that performance.  A good publicist would have blamed everything on MTV, saying that Britney was exhausted from all the charity work that she was doing (translation: keeping every paparazzi in business by going out every night drinking in Vegas.)  If you and I (my sexy readers) go out every night, get completely trashed and wake up in a bed next to Criss Angel, I betcha $100 that there are no photographers taking pictures of us doing the "walk of shame".

See, I think I am going to give up my day job and become a publicist, it obviously doesn't take alot of smarts, just throw as much shit you can against a wall and see what sticks. Easy.

Posted by nelson57 at 12:36 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

I missed last week's artist of the week entry,  it is Common, the album is called Finding Forever, there are a couple of tracks on there I really like. Misunderstood which I believe is track 11 is excellent. 

I have made an executive decision for the site I am going to bury artist of the week as well.  I feel that it is too Sam Goody-ish or for those of you not from New York City and grew up in the mall culture, FYE like.  (BTW I just checked the Sam Goody website and they don't have any more stores in New York, meanwhile FYE has like 30 stores in New York, don't I feel like an asshole, not really though) Even though artist of the week did give me my most comments ever...4! (thanks to all my sexy readers who comment)  I feel like it adds nothing to the site and I will just tell you about music that I am listening to whenever the hell I please.

But I do like the A_____ of the week concept. So I present to you the attorney of the week! Tada!  I will not reveal his name because he would probably sue me, that's the type of assho um, I mean attorney he is.  I was in a dispute over a commission on a deal, it took me over a month to collect it, these clients were his clients he referred to me so I asked him to intervene on my behalf, (and his too since he gets a referral fee on the deal). He tells me "don't worry you'll get paid, its not like you need the money anyway". Which in assho sorry I mean attorney vernacular tells me, "Fuck you kid I can't help you". 

Finally, I get paid on the deal and a couple of weeks later I get a phone from the attorney asking me where his check was, and I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry I forgot,  I didn't think you needed the money anyway" He laughed. What an attorney, I mean ASSHOLE!

I still haven't sent him a check.

Posted by nelson57 at 01:52 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

Forgive me all but I am a tad bitter today. Earlier last month I entered into a contract to purchase a co-op apartment in NYC.  The seller is a "friend" of the family so I tried to keep the contract hassles to a minimum, (no deposit, quick closing etc).  Now I did this because the guy changing his mind on things more than I change my fucking underwear.  I use to work for him back in the day and he is still the only person to ever fire me. (for no good reason)  Everyplace else that I have worked and I have had more jobs than a Jamaican (Hey Mon!) I have either left under a cloud of confusion or I just found a better job. 

Wishy washy people suck donkey dick, if you sign a contract you should be a man and stick to it. Now, I can't sue him because he's a friend and I sincerely doubt I would win anyway. Also in my mind, I am already 50% per cent moved out of my apartment so that sucks cause mentally I have to move myself back in. The one saving grace is that I have a pretty nice apartment, (lots of space) but I think I am ready to own my own place and the responsibility that it takes to do that. Now that has got to be put on hold for a little while longer.

I feel bad for my Dad as well because he negotiated the whole deal and it took a while for it to happen.  I couldn't negotiate with him cause he is so wishy washy and I don't have that kind of patience and would have told him to go fuck himself after our second conversation.  My Dad has the patience of a saint and has the perseverance of Sisyphus.   

I am going to go along with the saying that everything happens for a reason and there maybe a better plan for me.  I just haven't seen it yet. 

Posted by nelson57 at 01:13 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)