Tomorrow We Eat SanGwiches

In a slight departure from what I normally write, my spy (I only have one right now, give me a break I just started this freakin thing!)  has informed me that he/she (don't want to give away gender for fear of blowing Tom's cover) saw former ESPN anchor/radio host Dan Patrick yakking on his cell phone heading into the Sports Illustrated building.  He overheard Dan Patrick talking about linking his website to Sports Illustrated website, which I think is a bad idea personally.  I think Sports Illustrated is over as magazine (the magazine genre in general is over).  Why read about something that's a week old and you have read on one website or another already.  Regardless, good luck Dan and I hope they are throwing you a shitload of money.

Does this put me in the gossip biz? 

Posted by nelson57 at 12:09 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

Went to Staten Island, a place bereft of any character whatsoever, you could stick Staten Island anywhere in the country and it would look like any other place in suburbia.  Except that there would be a shitload more Italians.  Went to plea my case, I almost decided to use the "Eddie Murphy" defense, which is where I say that it wasn't me and the cop would say "But I looked right in your face!"  and I would say, "HEY! it wasn't me"  and then the cop would say maybe it wasn't you and the case would be dismissed.

I was also prepared to use the Jedi mind trick defense, wave my hand in front of me and say to the Judge that I am innocent and that these aren't the droids you're looking for.  He would agree with me and let me go without incident.

Wouldn't you know it, my case was delayed till October 2 cause the cop wasn't available.  Thanks for nothing.  I guess I have more time to work on more defense strategies then. As always, my sexy readers, your suggestions/comments are welcome.

Posted by nelson57 at 10:43 AM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

Whilst at my shore house last weekend, I got a notice from the State of New York letting me know that I had missed a court date of July 10 to answer 2 tickets I got back in April on the Staten Island Expressway.  The first ticket was for talking on my cell phone without using handsfree.  The second one (and my belief is that the cop was just being a dick) was for "following too closely". WTF? I looked up the second ticket online cause I wanted to see what "following too closely" meant and it says when traveling over 45 mph and you are less than a car length from the car in front of you.  Now this carries a fine of $150 and 2 points on your license. There is a problem with this ticket, with the amount of fucking traffic on the blight upon humanity known as the Staten Island Expressway, there's not a full bag of coke in Lindsey Lohan's crotch's chance in hell that you can go over 45 MPH.  I think that will be my defense to the judge.  I think I can get off with it.    Developing...

Posted by nelson57 at 04:27 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

After a really fun birthweek, (in NYC you have birthweeks or if you are really popular birth months) because you can never get all your friends together at one place at one time.  I am back to bring you, my sexy readers, the finest frivolus reading you will read in the next five minutes.

Ok first of all, my liver hurts, its kinda like a dull throbbing pain rather than a shooting one. Shooting pain would be appendicitis and that we know is never good. 

The weekend party down the shore was great, I would like to thank my sister and Melanie for putting it together.  All of those who came down, I think we were at twenty at one point. Thanks.

I would also like to thank Tom for my IPOD cover.  Easily one of the worst gifts imaginable, I mean I need an IPOD cover but I don't "NEED" an IPOD cover like the one Tom gave me. Methinks he is still a tad depressed.  Words cannot describe this cover, but I will try (picture to be posted later)  It is one of those rubber sleeves that an ipod fits snugly into that looks like the devil. It is Red, there are horns on the side along with a forked tail on the back of the cover where a tail should be.  Then on the horns you can hang an earring from which a dogtag can dangle from, On that dogtag is the word "Diablo" which I think is spanish for fighting chicken or something. Here it is.

Doesn't really matter though because I left my headphones down the shore and my sister (wink,wink,nudge,nudge) has not given me my birthday gift yet of a brand new set of BOSE in ear headphones.  Not having headphones really annoys me, first of all, I can't drown out the voices in my head telling me why don't I post more blogs or how come you look younger than your sister, (I said YOUNGER!, not prettier, she is prettier than I am, even I can admit that)

Posted by nelson57 at 11:51 AM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

Since Sunday is my birthday, I am going to share all of my birthday wishes with you, my sexy readers:

I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a girl who looked good I would call her, wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat, a six four impala.

I wish the spice girls wouldn't get back together again.  I mean for fuck's sake, you are not spicy and you are no longer girls.  The black one got a kid whose baby daddy is Eddie Murphy.  And Victoria Beckham is so skinny that one of the girls may mistake her for a mic stand.  She's so skinny that if she wore a yellow dress she would look like a #2 pencil.  She's so skinny that she could see out the peephole with both eyes.  She's so skinny that she inspires crack whores to eat. She's so skinny...ok, ok I'll stop.

I wish that Lauren Hill never married Ziggy Marley and fucked up her life so bad that she looks like Oprah Winfrey now, but without being a billionaire.  (note to all my sexy readers, if I highlight something, please click on it. it really adds to this whole reading the stupidest blog in the whole world thing.)  It won't take you to some porn site where you'll see a woman and a horse going at it.

See, I told you.

Most of all I wish for...World Peace. 

Posted by nelson57 at 09:01 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

We have all had those days where no matter what happens, you're going to be in a bad mood.  Sometimes for women it may be one of "those" days, sometimes its a week. Hell I had a ex-girlfriend who was constantly in a bad mood.

For those of you who know me, I am pretty much in a good mood all the time, (Prozac is AWESOME!) but there are days and times that I wanna rip people an new asshole.  What happens though when you have a good friend who has all of a sudden become so bitter that nothing makes that person happy.

For example, I have a friend and for the sake of protecting that person let's just call him Tom. Now Tom (again,that is not his real name) just got married to a lovely girl, has a good home, job, bad hair etc... Now as soon as he got back from his honeymoon in Africa (he didn't really go there but lets just say that he did) he keeps telling me how bitter and angry he is and I really don't know why.  My guess is that he can't explain it either.

I can venture a few guesses though:

1. He is on the prolonged male version of "the rag"
2. All of the extra responsibilities heaped upon him now that he is married, but really what has changed .
3. My best guess is that the medication for malaria that he took before going to Africa or whatever country you have to take malaria pills for before you go has him depressed.

Tom or whatever your name is, go and get some St. John's wort it can't hurt and maybe it would give you back that sunny disposition.

Posted by nelson57 at 01:51 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

A report came out today that says that the war in Iraq has cost the United States $450 billion to date.  So I decided to do a little math on it and it costs every American $1,488.55.  Costs to continue our "War of Terror" in Iraq and Afghanistan is about $12 billion a month or $35 dollars per person which translates to about $400 per person per year.  Aren't there better things we can do with $400. I know I could think of a shitload of things I could do with $400 dollars.  In fact I will list a few for you, my sexy' inquisitive readers: 

• 1. Give 400 people a buck.
• 2. Give 800 people fiddy cents
• 3. Give 1200 people a quarter (Dig the math skills people!)
• 4. Most importantly, have an extra $400 dollars in my pocket to do with what I please.

Children, we all know war is bad mmkay. but is it really that expensive as well?

Posted by nelson57 at 10:06 AM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)